I realized. no long ago, that I tend to go on cycles/circles, and that those cycles start with a hope, turn into happiness and then I mess things up, blame myself and miserable. Also, that the self-loathing time is way longer than it should be.

And it's enough. I don't know how to do it, but I do need to control, no, channel my back again, but this time, for good.

Martyrdom is not the same as Justice. I must be fair to myself too.